If only you knew how much i feel about how much i love you in every single way possible and more. But your words hurt me like sharp pains all over my body. How is one suppose to react when the love of their life tells them “i think about breaking up with you everyday, but i love you too much”? If you feel that way about someone you shouldn’t be with them at all. You should want to think about being with them everyday not breaking up with them.. We argue and fight so much but that’s how real relationships are. This time its different you think you know me inside and out head to toe but you don’t. You can’t say things for me, i have a mind of my own and i can change what i say any time at all but i only do that for reasons. i don’t ever dare lie to you because i wouldn’t want you to lie to me. So why cant you believe me when i say i love you and i care about you. I want to live with you and be close to you wherever you are. Isn’t it enough that i’m preparing to move in with you i even registered for class over there. I couldn’t stand being 7 hours away. I am trying to better our relationship but you just see me as being selfish. Yes i understand that you are also helping me with my classwork and you are making plans for me to move in but its a big step for me to leave everything behind for you, for us. I’ve told you from the beginning that i want us to work out. Why is it so difficult for us to get along and compromise for what we want and what makes us happy? Its ultimately up to you since you’ve been there longer, if you want me there just say so and be happy for us and our future together but if you don’t want me there then say it so i can keep doing what i need to do for myself. You tell me that i make things worse, wouldn’t it be a bad idea for me to move there with you then? If that’s the case then i will just move further away to the east coast so you can have all the space you want and need. I don’t know what you want anymore. I feel so lost and abandoned by everyone.
FAR FAR AWAY
I haven’t thought about coming back to this place to vent but the pain I’m going through isn’t normal. emotion pain has become physical. i feel my insides growing weaker. I’m not sure how long i can take it anymore. the only thing i can do now is to tell myself to keep breathing. For the two people i love have become more distant. Miles and miles away. How can someone live feeling this lonely and abandoned by loved ones? All i can think about is when will i see them again..
boy OH boy!
Being in a relationship has its share of ups and downs. and let me tell you that its worth it. my boyfriend has my heart, at times i catch myself picturing our lives together in the future. Maybe he’ll be the one i get to marry. Sure i get angry with him plenty but at the end of the day i cant stay that way. i love him too much. We have been talking about moving in together for some time now. Im not used to NorCal since i live in SoCal. Its pretty different especially the weather i visited him for 2 weeks in Merced and so far i love being around him it makes everyday so much better. His housemates are so nice and fun to be around they’re like a family of their own and they welcome everyone with open arms. Its just so comfortable to be here. I hope everything works out this summer so i can be closer to him <3
boyfriends, family & friends.
our bonds are crazy going from good to bad and to good again. but we struggle in between to reconnect and improve for the better. this month has been a tough one starting 2012. new commitments with a boyfriend on my mind, a contract to stick with, and friendships to keep and be faithful to. as the years add onto our lives it becomes more difficult to make balance the things that are most important to you.
as of right now i am finding happiness in my one and only boyfriend Hassan Pech.
we grew close in a short amount of time and he no longer brings butterflies to my stomach, not even dragonflies but something greater. ;D
i cant wait til next month to meet his family in Bakersfield and to spend time with him since we wont be together on valentines day. ): we got each other a present. ! so sweet. <3
when things get good
something gets in the way and cancels it out. today it happened to me.
my sister called me to her room and she told me to sit down. she handed me papers and they were contracts and i had to pick the one i wanted. i had no choice but to pick one and stick with it. it took me by surprised since im 18 i should be free and find myself and start my life. but now i have to follow this contract that consists of rules that i have to follow. for example; school, chores, and curfew. i even have a warning sheet ! im not 8. ): if i do something wrong my things will be taken away and my curfew decreases. and if i get 6 warnings i get kicked out. the biggest rejection of my life. no one wants me… i dont deserve anything at all. why is it that every time i get my hopes up and finally found something that makes me happy i get knocked down and beaten up. im here and i try to be nice to everyone. but i just get picked on over and over again. nothings meant to be for me.
Winter break is officially over. i took extra time off to figure out a few things. but it’s time to get back on my feet. the new year new ways thing is working out better than i expected. i spent a lot of time with my babe before he left to nor cal for school again. but we’ve talked things out (: the effort counts we can make it if we both try. it took us by surprise how close we grew in a short amount of time. i met his family and he met some of mine. we have a good connection going on right now. i cant wait to see him next month. this is the start of a long distance relationship but i know he’ll make it feel like we’re one call away. <3
note to myself.
i should probably write more often to gather my thoughts.
its a new year and you know what that means new ways.
constant changes to do better or worse but the intentions are good, how it turns out.. we’ll just have to wait and see.
well i need to lay down some rules for myself once again since I’m not at where i want to be.
no more fooling around i need to get my stuff together and get out of there in the real world. it may be more difficult but that’s where i want to be. not in this place where I’m treated with disrespect and being suffocated and pressured into doing things to make others happy.
as a present to myself i got a Disneyland deluxe annual pass.
i was excited at first but if only i had an actual buddy who’d be down to go with me whenever. LOL. i expected more but oh wells.
last but not least my mind has been drifting here and there i need to start focusing and getting into the business. its easy to say i just need to figure out how. maybe dressing more formal for school? a thought though.
also running through my mind males, always rushing in and out of my life.
i decided to settle down. its under construction. not strong enough to be revealed yet but if all goes well you’ll find out.
when you like someone
you’d make time for them right? see them as much as you can, plan hangouts and enjoy each others company. it was incredible how we started but as time goes on i can feel us both growing apart. it hurts knowing that we took the chance and risked it and everyday i think about you more and more. but do you feel the same way to or am i just leading myself astray? i need you here to help me figure this out. i don’t expect you to have your attention on me 24/7 but when you have free time it doesn’t hurt to talk to me. isn’t that the ideal thing to want to talk to someone you like? you worry that I’m treating you like any other boy but look at how you treat me. don’t you believe me when i say you’re special to me..? I’m attracted to your heart and i hope for the best.
the heart wants what it wants and its hard to ignore what its calling out for. sometimes i wonder.. would life would be easier being single or being in a relationship? not being in a relationship still hurts from the feelings and bonds that grow and the attachment your heart makes. slowly feelings develop but things get in the way and it becomes difficult to hold onto the person. then being in a relationship makes you think if the person you’re with is truly meant for you, and if they feel the same way you do, and you’re always hoping for the best and hoping for them to always be there by your side dedicated and committed to the relationship you both share. there’s always the fear, of having the person you put your heart out to, leaving you for someone they will love even more. that’s when you ask what can i do about it, and that’s what I’m trying to figure out. there are plenty of solutions out there but by nature the one most of us find as in answer is to find someone out there who will love us as we love them. after all they’ve lost someone that loved them and you’ve lost someone who doesn’t love you.
what are bestfriends? i dont really know since i feel like its on and off, going through different bestfriends. seems like just a label to make someone feel special. girl bestfriends and guy bestfriends. so confusing. ): i believe that im the type that would have 1 of each. (: but where have they gone? im curious what my friendship would lead to. so many questions but so little answer. time is the enemy. only time can tell. lets see if the bestfriend becomes lover thing works for me. ive also recently thought about how there isnt a person out there for me. lame thoughts. haha but my heart yearns for more. too weak to be alone. oh well i’ll just have to make use of what ive got.